Happiness, Single-dom, Insecurities

These three things enter my mind on a daily basis. Happiness is a true state of mind that money cannot buy. Being single is really not so bad and everyday is a battle against my insecurities.

For me, happiness is being content with what I have in life. It’s not always easy when you see someone skinnier, prettier, richer….but when you come to realize there is always someone else out there who is going to be more –ER than you it’s easier to be happy!

I’ve come to realize that I am uniquely me. I am might be odd, hyper, appear immature, completely random at times….but that’s me. I have my own unique interests and hobbies that make me happy.

I spent most of my life trying to be obedient, pleasing my parents and just trying to do what I thought would make them happy. Often, I was torn between making them happy and following my own heart.

I don’t regret my life at all. Because what I did at the time was right for me. However, people change, circumstances change and about 4 years ago I was able to figure out what I wanted to do.

I love my mommy with all my heart and soul. I miss her dearly everyday. I know if she were still alive I would have been able to do the things I’ve been doing the past 4 years.

You would think my dad was the overprotective one….but it was my momma. He has always encouraged me to pursue my dreams (although at times with lots of complaining) and spread my wings. My mom always wanted me near, close by, and safe.

My parents lost my brother, their second oldest child, shortly after his 15^th birthday. He got caught up in a bad crowd, started abusing drugs and was just searching for himself; I believe. I was 6 at the time and I have some memories of that time period.

I recall vividly the day that it happened. I recall I had no idea the levity of the situation. I remember Chuckie and I were playing with some handcuffs. Where these came from? I had no idea.

At time, there were hardly any other Lao families living in Saginaw . We didn’t much to choose from friends wise. So we mainly just played with each other. My brothers always took care of me….and still do to this day.

It was my brothers Dang and Chuck home with me. Dang answered the phone and told Chuck and me that Eh was in a car accident. Somehow, Chuck decided to handcuff himself to Eh’s bedroom door.

I just figured that it was a minor car accident and that he’d be home later that night….like a broken leg or something.

He never came home. That is what I remember from that day.

After that day, my mom’s hair started thinning and falling out. Which if you knew her in her younger years you would know that she had thick, beautiful hair.

After that day, all that my mom wanted to do was protect me and my brothers from everything and everyone.

She was pretty successful…..I went to 1 football game in high school. I was allowed to attend academic related events ONLY after school and on Saturdays. But I always had to be home right after it was over. I hardly went to my friends’ houses. I never slept over at a friend’s until I was 19. That was only because they LOVED Christina. I went to a few dances (I think only because she really enjoyed dress shopping) which those of you who went to my high school know that we had like 2 a year. My brothers didn’t have it any easier either. My mom was just as overprotective of them as they were of me. However, more so with me because I am a girl and I could come home raped or pregnant (true life conversation!).

Anyway, I am immensely insecure and I certainly have no reason to be any longer. Not sure if it was due to my parents lack of validation. My parents LOVE all of us kids…but they weren’t the greatest in being demonstrative; probably because they grew up without their parents. Who knows? But it really has hindered my growth in life.

I am extremely shy but then there’s a side of me that’s not. I’ve always been worried about what others think of me….whether or not I did something to make them mad at me….what I could do to make them like me more….. all part of being insecure with myself.

Thankfully, to great friends and people who love me. I am learning that it’s ok that not everyone likes me because I sure as heck don’t like everyone I meet.